Here's a thought, i'm not quite sure i know who i am. ever felt this way? i've just split up with my girlfriend of 4 + years. that's a very long time, some of u might say. heck, it's the ONLY ONE TRUE relationship i had. u could say it's my first love (bah, call me old fashion, i believe in love at first sight, fate, stuff like that)...but the reason we're going our separate ways is not because of who we were, but of what we're becoming. we had a long talk before saying our last good byes. i know for sure i won't be seeing or talking to her anytime soon, the thought of being next to her without holding her saddens me. i'm not sure of what to feel at this very moment. my body (and heart) sort of numbed. my stomach churns and my head light. (okay, not exactly numb numb, just not sure which emotion is taking over which)

so here i am, trying to figure the whole thing out. the things she said keeps replaying in my mind. we're both to be blamed for this breaking up. we sort of grew out of each other's life (according to her, which i think its partly true). maybe because we've been to busy with work, we haven't really have any time for each other. god knows, i try my best to see her every other day, even for a few minute, but sometimes our hectic schedule disallows that. i don't know anymore. so maybe i shall write out our history briefly (i'll try) so i can absorb and try to pick up the little memories i had of our relationship.

i first met her on the online, via mIRC on our local server, 8 years ago. gawd, it's been that long. i don't remember how it started exactly, who initiated the first line, the very famous "a/s/l". i remember we didn't have much to talk about during the first few months of our online friendship. maybe she found me boring. i was a nobody from a public school, and she, a popular girl in a private school. somehow we managed to keep each other entertained enough past half a year (i think) till we exchanged phone numbers and started chatting over the phone. now, i don't quite remember this part either. shit. this isn't going as well as i've planned.

maybe i should skip to where i remember. first time i met her, in a shopping mall near her place. she looked so sweet in her floral babydoll dress. i was kinda shy so i brought some friends along. (I WAS!!! right, mike?!?! ask mike, he was there with me...) then we (we as in she, my friends and i, not me and her alone) just chilled out in the shopping mall. till about midnite!!! we almost missed our bus home (yes, this was when we didn't have our driver's license. anyways, we managed to get back...) after that, everything was a blur, we were just online friends, chatting on the phone occasionally. she was in and out of relationships, then she found God, started going to churches very often, met another boy there. hmmm...oh yea, i remember somewhere in between, we met up a few more times. once i borrowed her a modem cause her's got strucked by lightning, and she wouldn't return it. oh well...maybe it meant something then. hahaha... anyways after that, we sorta lost touch. not too sure why, maybe it was something i said or do. or maybe she just lost interested. maybe i didn't do anything about it. i dunno.

anyways, fast forward...to when i was in college. bumped into her at a shopping mall, she was in a hurry, so we just exchange hellos. then she said something about leaving to study overseas and she asked for my address so she can write me. (who does that anymore?!?! snail mail rocks)...yea...anyways, hahahaha rocks my ass...i only got her mail after god-knows-how-long...hahaha... i still have it in the box of other shite she gave me...the letters we wrote each other while she was in her boarding house, i think this was when we started getting close, thought we knew each other...anyways, our relationship happen when she came back for her holidays and i was working part time for this sound and light system company. i work odd hours but we manage to spend some time together (again, with some other friends). it's at the courting stage, where u weren't sure if the other person likes you or not. when u weren't sure if she notices the little things u do. hahaha...then we held hands, as a confirmation of our relationship.

So it begins, we became an item during the Chinese New Year period of year 2000 (we don’t really care when the exact date was, how very convenient, rite?!?!). oh what wonderful time it was for the both of us. it’s as if nothing else matters. that is, until she have to leave for her studies again. but will we let distance separate us?! HELL NO!!! we wrote each other love letters, emails, and occasionally phone calls. if people could do it in the old days with just snail mail, of course we could deal with it much better with technological advancements. and we did quite well for ourselves. 2 years passed without any major problems. yea, of course u’ll have some minor hiccups as in any relationship, but we manage to pull thru. mostly it’s about my attitude towards studying. see, i was a very good student until I got to college. The problem was me being lazy. i always wanted the easy way out. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we split up.

I shall continue this later. Am going out for dinner. Haven’t had anything to eat except for some poh piahs during lunch with my longest and best friend, HWC. He’s such a pal. Such a simple guy with simple dreams. Sometimes I envy him. But hey, that’s another story. Ciaoz…