The End

It’s finally over. After a month of confusion plus six days of silence, I finally found out. It’s over. She’s hated me since the incident. The part I left out because I was too ashamed to tell. The part all guys will lie about it. I almost did too. Until she asked if there was anything else I was hiding from her when we were going through rough waters. And so I told her. The truth. The very truth that killed our relationship. Actually, it wasn’t the truth that killed our relationship. It was my EGO. My pride (I think, or at least I think it is right now). What I like to be looked upon by my friends. How cool I am. How happening. How foolish. How stupid. How pitiful.

All this while, I’m preaching about how loyal and faithful I am, but in the end, when it all comes down to ‘saving face’, I’ll throw my principles away. That’s how low I’ll stoop. I’m a fucking low life maggot.

I’m still in shock. Stunned by what happened. I do not know what to feel, how to feel. I should be sad, but I don’t feel sad (maybe because I know that I’m at fault here). I suppose I should be angry at myself, but I do not feel any of it. Numb. Just like when she first asked for a breakup about a month ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve already half expected it. That something like that (what I did) won’t be forgiven or forgotten so easily. It’s not something I would’ve forgive and forget either. So I guess I’ve only myself to blame. For not being strong-willed enough to say no. For not being strong enough for the both of us.

She’s questioned me before. “Why did you do it?” I didn’t have a straight answer then. “Because my friends said to…” “Oh?! So you didn’t have an opinion or choice then?!” “I did…” “Then why didn’t you backed out?!” “I don’t know…” “And you told me you couldn’t do it…Why did you stay till the end?!” “I don’t know…” “What did you know?!” “I know I made a mistake…I’m sorry, Chong Yi Mun…”