i feel a tension in the air around me. something's going on between us. maybe i'm just too sensitive. either way it's been bugging me the whole day. i'm not too sure what i did wrong. or what i did not do. and she isn't giving me any answers either. maybe back tracking it would help. hmmm... where shall i start?
it was merdeka eve yesterday. today's the day our nation celebrate our independance for the 48th time. so naturally it would make last night another reason to get drunk and what-nots because it's a public holiday today. all this while i thought that we would spend the night together. but she thought i was going to the freedom48 rave, featuring hard kandy's scott alert. maybe because i did mention about the rave earlier, but have decided to drop it and forgot to tell her. she made plans with her friends to go somewhere. later i found out it was some barbeque party at her friend's place and later on to some club. she didn't say where. that was about 9pm, when she was going out. i told her i didn't have any plans. probably just to see the guys. and she suggested that i find some other friends. wasn't in the mood. earlier that day, ann did ask me what my plan was. and i told her i was going to see her, but she had other plans. ann insisted that i ask her if i could tag along. but i knew if she wanted me to go along, she would've ask me to, like how she always did. but no, there wasn't any invitation. first disappointment. so i finish up my work early, went back home, hid in my own four walls, and slept till the sun went down. still no calls from her. bahhh... anyways, back to where it was, after suggesting other plans for me, we said our goodbyes. she then went to suggest that we see other the next day. but i told her i had work to do. "maybe later in the day?!" she asked. sure, why not. i miss u badly.
and so it goes, celebrating our nations 'birthday' on our own. she went to wherever she said she was going. i ended up having dinner with ann and ho at some hawker stall. gig and esther joined us later. after that we went to a nearby snooker centre. god, the cigarette smell that reeks in there. how we missed it. hahahaha... we used to go there all the time when we were in college. just to kill time. played few frames. maureen dropped by for a while, just to pick ho up, i think. ann went with them. khang came by for a while. had to leave for some reasons we don't know. left quite abruptly too. threw the que to gig and said he had to make a phone call downstairs. minutes later he called and said he had to leave. and so in the end, only gig, esther and i were left. soon after, we left too. i came back, went online, surfing some shit, pour myself a mug of kahlua-milk and waste my time away. i think i passed out close to 5 am. why didn't i have called her to check on her?!
woke up in the afternoon (there goes "i've got work to do in the morning"). couldn't be bothered about work. lazed around in the room the whole day. still haven't pick up the phone to call her. why didn't i call her?! went online and i saw her. asked her what time should i go meet her. she said she was going out soon to meet jean. maybe later. fine. so i went back to bumming in my room. wasting more time (i swear i could've finish half of my pile of paper work by now!!) then at about 6pm, i called her again. no answer. 1 minute later she called me back. with a groggy voice, she said she just woke up from a nap, and is going to see jean now. i was speechless. oh well, maybe she partied to much last night and needed more rest. cool.
i was getting restless, so i messaged melwin on msn and ask if he wants to go out. we were going to see the rest of them at this coffee house in bandar bukit tinggi. halfway through the door, mum said we're going for dinner soon and suggested we go have a look at the new house. called mel up and canceled the plan. sorry mel!
the new house is completed. mum got the keys just few days ago. it's a new housing area. and ours is situated directly opposite a childrens playground. and behind the playground is a forest (because it's not being developed yet). and there were MONKEYS all over the playground!! it's like a zoo!!! shite... anyways, we were still thinking about moving to the new place. southern park holds so much fond memories for us. i'd prefer us to stay in the old place. maybe sell the new place and renovate the old one?! sigh... don't know what's going to happen.
picked dad up from a restaurant he was at with his friends having coffee. had simple dinner. hawker stall food near my workplace. nasi lemak and fried chicken. came back home pretty stuffed. called her again, but there was no answer. tried a few times. still no one pick up. mind starts to race. what's going on?! maybe i'm being sensitive again. cool down, chill out. then i smsed her saying 'guess i won't be seeing you tonight. am i even seeing you this weekend?!". still no reply.
i was getting really restless by 10:30pm. so i took the car out, went to fill up the petrol, thought maybe i should go for a spin, just to clear my mind. then she smsed me back. "one week don't see also cannot one is it?! last time can, now cannot?!" woahhhh my mind went besserk. after paying the cashier, i set my mind on going up to subang. while driving, i keep thinking about her sms. what did she mean by that?! it's alrite. we'll clear things up when i see her. so am i seeing her now?! is this what i should do?! god, i'm not sure. maybe i'll just drive by her house, just to see if she's in, just to see if her car is there.
and so i did. drove by her house 3 times. then i think to myself, this is stupid, driving outside her house and not call her at all. so did i call her?! nope. WHY?! i don't know. but i smsed her "would it be stupid to be driving outside your house and not call u?! or would it make things worst?! i miss u so badly... i just need to see u..." she replied "what's wrong la? can't you just tell me here?" now what is that suppose to mean?! hmmmm...the human male mind does not absorb questions like these. and as i drive by her house the 4th time, i smsed her again "i just want to see u. will u come outside?" her reply was short and simple "no, going to sleep soon" second disappointment! and so i drove back, defeated.
so what is really goin on?! what did i missed?! i'm still thinking about it. the whole episode replays in my mind, over and over and over again. we shall find out what really happen tomorrow. or the day after. or the day after. or the day after. when i've pluck up enough courage to call her again. u see, i'm not a man who is very good at dealing with issues of this sort. she can be the testimony of it. why even after 4 long years together, do i still have this problem of facing certain issues in our relationship?! i do not have the answer.
hahaha...hello again. haven't been posting lately. been busy with work, work and more work, among other things. it's been a hectic week, man. crazy. and i was complaining the week before to yimun about how quiet it is during the first 3 days of the week and shit starts to pile up on thursdays and fridays. gawdamnit, now it keeps coming in non-stop. no, no, i shouldn't be complaining. busy is good. busy is productive. busy brings in the moolah. wooo hoooo... got my cheque today for commission for the month of july. was quite shocked by the amount. highest yet, so far since i started work a year ago. quite proud of it. boon, u deserve a pat on the back! hahaha...
oh yea, was at Recharge, Salem's R3velation last weekend over at Port Dickson.it was awesome. although we were kinda late. party actually started at 5pm, but due to the fact that me and alan work saturdays, we had to miss out the earlier sets, including Bass Agent's. damnit. oh well, will be rocking with them again later this week. so yeah, am too lazy to write a review (i'm not good at writing reviews, yimun says i'm easily pleased therefore everything seems 'okay' or 'good' to me). will try to find a good write-up on it to link later. hahaha...in the mean time, check out DJ Mag's write up before the said event.
got this in my mailbox today. fucken hilarious. caught with the pants down, literally. which reminds me of a similar inccident that happened a few years ago. wahahahahaha...
nite, y'all...
(ps: check out Alphazone's Flashback. i'm hooked!!)
Origin of the F-Word - taken from about.com's urban legends library
The word fuck did not originate as an acronym. It crept, fully formed, into the English language from Dutch or Low German around the 15th century (it's impossible to say precisely when because so little documentary evidence exists, probably due to the fact that the word was so taboo throughout its early history that people were afraid to write it down). The American Heritage Dictionary says its first known occurrence in English literature was in the satirical poem "Flen, Flyss" (c.1500), where it was not only disguised as a Latin word but encrypted — gxddbov — which has been deciphered as fuccant, pseudo-Latin for "they fuck."
According to Sheidlower, the earliest claims in print of supposed acronymic origins for the F-word appeared during the 1960s. An underground newspaper called the East Village Other published this version in 1967:
It's not commonly known that the word "fuck" originated as a medical diagnostic notation on the documests of soldiers in the British Imperial Army. When a soldier reported sick and was found to have V.D., the abbreviation F.U.C.K. was stamped on his documents. It was short for "Found Under Carnal Knowledge."
Two more variants appeared in a letter published in Playboy magazine in 1970:
My friend claims that the word fuck originated in the 15th Century, when a married couple needed permission from the king to procreate. Hence, "Fornication Under Consent of the King". I maintain that it's an acronym of a law term used in the 1500s that referred to rape as "Forced Unnatural Carnal Knowledge."
Undoubtedly the most famous use of this etymological travesty was as the title of the 1991 Van Halen album, "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge."
other variant include:
The word fuck comes from colonial times, when someone would be punished for 'prostitution' It was an acronym for the words "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge". FUCK was written on the stocks that held these criminals because "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" was too long to go on the stocks.
i think yimun told me about the "Fornication Under Consent of the King" thing before.
also manage to get this. i've always wondered what it means and how it came about :-
"Of uncertain origin, this term often connotes extreme frustration. The general consensus is that it originates from the Army (the source of many creative Singlishphrases), where a "spider" was dirt in the barrel of one's rifle. If during inspection, you found a "spider" in your rifle, you'd have to strip it and clean it all over again. Hence, "fuck spider" would either be a common expletive amongst recruits, or an exhortation by an annoyed inspecting officer/NCO. Some, however, believe it dates back to an old practice amongst boys to catch spiders in the undergrowth, house them in small boxes and make them fight."
so, do you know how to fuck a spider? my dad's ex-employee told me once that there is a way to actually fuck a spider. see, if u're on top, u'd squash the poor spider. and if the spider's on top, well, there's no point because u'll be to big for the spider. but there is ONE way to fuck a spider right. person who can tell me how it's done, gets to do it!
woahhhhh...just got back from HARDSEQUENCE @ cream. awesome party set up by the bass agents and dark ravers, this event will be held every fortnightly. great music, good crowd (though they could do better with more), and not a bad venue too. the BA boys (didjital & xt-acid) did well, dropping thumping basslines and rhytimic melodies, bringing the crowd to a higher level of hardstyle. i'll be sure to be there every fortnight! hahaha... next up, salem's revelation @ admiral marina, port dickson. again, the BA boys will be there, opening the event. headlining salem's 3rd installation of Revelation will be johan gielen and dj scot project. johan's actually been to malaysia, playing at last year's revelation @ genting, whilst dj scot project will be making his debut here. and what a way to mark his name in the KL dance scene by headlining one of the year's biggest event. i've seen him in action when i was in melbourne. man, this guy is SIC! his sets are mindblowing! KL-ites are in for a big surprise. hahaha... man, i can't wait, i can't wait... woot woot...
by the way, drop by ganjaguru's site for a visit. he has got some new tunes posted and reviews on the latest events happening in melbourne. this guy's representing the BA boys in melbourne! how about that?
We talked again on the phone tonight. She actually left me a message with a sad smiley emoticon on my msn messenger earlier this afternoon, while I was out of the office. Only saw it later when I got back to the office at 9. smsed her back asking if anything’s wrong and she replied that she wants to talk, so I told her I’ll call her when I get home.
It started out quite casually. talking about our day at work, what we did, where we went, what we saw, stuff like that. talked about a movie which she only knew the plot but not the title. I googled it and found "Return to Paradise”, a 1998 movie about a guy who’s convicted of drug trafficking in Malaysia and is on deathrow. Did a quick search on it on imdb.com and found out that it wasn’t shot in Malaysia at all. Hahaha… I will try to search for the dvd. I think the reason they didn’t shoot it here in Malaysia is because the Malaysian government didn’t allow it. Here’s a story about drug trafficking and the Malaysia justice system and drug law, which imposes a death penalty to whoever is caught with a minimum amount of drug (200 mg of cannabis, but the film changed it to 100mg), to which some people in other parts of the world think is unjust. And I read some parts of the court hearing that occurs in the film is inaccurate. Must try to find the dvd. Hahaha…
Anyways, talked a bit more about work. Till we came to an awkward silence. To which she asked where is all this heading. What are we really doing. I think she’s confused about where we stand now. We’re no longer a couple and we’re not just mere friends either. And she keeps questioning her rights as a “more-than-friends” friend, like things she can or cannot say, feelings she must or must not hide. I kept reassuring her that it’s okay for her to share all her thoughts with me. Communication is key to me. I think that was what we’re lack of. As I’ve mention on earlier posts, we kinda took each other for granted and talked less and less towards the end of our relationship. maybe it was our busy work schedule, but we shouldn’t have let that stop us from chatting on the phone for at least half an hour every other day. Things like that can make or break a relationship.
I really hope we can resolve this matter quick and get back together. But right now, for me, I’d rather have it this way and be more open about certain things and communicate more. She also raised the question of ‘what if this goes on for too long and we both got fed up with the whole idea. That there is a possibility of us not getting back together at all. And if we don’t, then this will all be a waste of time”’. By now she was already sniffling on the other side of the phone. I told her that, if we were to get back together, I’d rather deal with the whole thing now and live happily ever after later than to jump right into the whole circle and make the same mistake again. this isn’t the first time we’ve broken up based on such matters. it’s like history repeating itself and I wouldn’t want to let it happen ever again.
aw man, it's 2:30 am already. shite... been having trouble waking up these days. damn...
hahaha…she actually forgot the address of my blog when I blurted it out last nite. Anyways, no phone calls tonite, but we did manage to chat online awhite ago. And she bugged me bout my blog. Which I was hesitant to give out at first. I told her it was a personal space for me to rant and ramble about what’s going on between us (I don’t wanna get myself into more trouble now, do I?) and some other random nonsense that’s in my head. she said something along the lines of hating me because I allow other people into my heart and soul (ahermz) and not her. So after assessing how bad it can turn out, I typed out the address in which she replied so rather quickly that she won’t read it and she respects my privacy. But somehow she said (typed) it in a way like she’s trying to pull a reverse psychology on me. maybe it’s not. I think it’s not. I know it’s not.
But conversations like that always get both of us fired up. Like what happened last Saturday when we were driving around in KL, not knowing of where to go. It was after Wild Zebra, this Chinese modern dance drama that is playing now in Istana Budaya. I’ll post a quick review on that later on, but anyways, we were driving towards Jalan Bukit Bintang, and I asked her where she wanna go. And she just “anywhere”. So I suggested Sungai Wang Plaza. Right after I finished, she said she would prefer KLCC. So I said “okay, let’s go to KLCC.” “nah, nevermind, don’t want to go there anymore, cause it wasn’t where u wanted to go,” was her reply. I was left dumbfounded. My exact thought at the moment was “look what’ve u done, boon!” hahahaha shite… then there was that awkward silence, like this barrier, this tense aura, between us.
sometimes I just don’t know how to read the signs well. My body language skills are quite pathetic. Hahaha… but Boon came back with a good idea (good to myself, at least, wasn’t so sure bout what she thought at the time, maybe I should ask her that) a singaporean friend was in town for the weekend and we’ve actually arrange to meet up the night before. But I bailed cause I was already out somewhere when she reached KL. So I thought it was a good idea to meet her then since we’re already in KL. trying to escape the weird moment, I suggested that we try calling her up and see what she’s up to. Coincidentally she was in Sungai Wang Plaza having coffee with 2 other friends.
So anyways, my point of this story was, lately in our relationship, simple things like that will get us ticked off. Not good at all. Anyways, back to our online conversation. Erm… she agreed to read it after abit of coaxing. She was even quite encouraging. So I invited her to share some thoughts, even to correct me if I’m wrong. (I tend to exagerate sometimes…hahahaha…come on, who doesn’t in their own blog…we’re the superstars in our own world, right??). but she declined, saying that it’s my turn to “talk” and her’s to “listen”. Maybe this is how I feel best to communicate. I’ve always been a quiet person when there’s a confrontation. She can be the judge of that. hahaha… we’ll see how it goes. I still insisted on some inputs on her part. She did raise up an issue of misintepreting our typed-out conversations. As in how different some words may mean when it’s spoken and when typed out or read out from the screen. Lots of miscommunications can happen there.
Well, it doesn’t bother me whether if she posts something here. It’s more of her reading it. I hope SHE doesn’t misintepret ME instead. Hahaha…oh well… am gonna call it a night soon. I’ve actually wanted to continue on our history bits earlier, but it’s getting too late. Shall continue later on when I have the time. Ho ho ho…
Okay, actually I stopped halfway because I went out with a friend for dinner. Then another friend called for coffee and I went up to pj as well. Then she called halfway asking to talk, but I was out so I smsed her on the way back, then she called then I called back when I got home and we talked about how things are gonna be, how we’re suppose to face it, stuff like that. Okay, she did most of the talking. I’m more of a listener. She talked bout her work today, what was on her mind, what she thought about the whole deal. She asked about my day at work and I answered them briefly. We never did talk this much during the past few months. Maybe we took each other for granted for a while. Maybe now’s the time to catch up on the normal things friends only talk about. Maybe if we give it time.
Now she keeps reminding me that this friendship should not be focused on us getting back together, but to be closer and to know and understand each other better. Now I agree to what she said, but I was afraid that emotions might kick in and feelings will make things bad. How can two person of opposite sex have a platonic, totally mutual relationship and have not intimacy what so ever involved. It’s hard, I know, but if for the betterment of our relationship, platonic or not, I’d do it. To get to know her more, to know how she feels about things, to know her favorite cd that’s playing in her car stereo, to know when not to say a word etc etc etc… TO BE A FRIEND. We shall see how things go from here.
I shall continue our history some other time...nitez...
oh yea, i also mentioned about this lame ass blog of mine to her, so i guess i'll get some surprise visits from her as well...
Here's a thought, i'm not quite sure i know who i am. ever felt this way? i've just split up with my girlfriend of 4 + years. that's a very long time, some of u might say. heck, it's the ONLY ONE TRUE relationship i had. u could say it's my first love (bah, call me old fashion, i believe in love at first sight, fate, stuff like that)...but the reason we're going our separate ways is not because of who we were, but of what we're becoming. we had a long talk before saying our last good byes. i know for sure i won't be seeing or talking to her anytime soon, the thought of being next to her without holding her saddens me. i'm not sure of what to feel at this very moment. my body (and heart) sort of numbed. my stomach churns and my head light. (okay, not exactly numb numb, just not sure which emotion is taking over which)
so here i am, trying to figure the whole thing out. the things she said keeps replaying in my mind. we're both to be blamed for this breaking up. we sort of grew out of each other's life (according to her, which i think its partly true). maybe because we've been to busy with work, we haven't really have any time for each other. god knows, i try my best to see her every other day, even for a few minute, but sometimes our hectic schedule disallows that. i don't know anymore. so maybe i shall write out our history briefly (i'll try) so i can absorb and try to pick up the little memories i had of our relationship.
i first met her on the online, via mIRC on our local server, 8 years ago. gawd, it's been that long. i don't remember how it started exactly, who initiated the first line, the very famous "a/s/l". i remember we didn't have much to talk about during the first few months of our online friendship. maybe she found me boring. i was a nobody from a public school, and she, a popular girl in a private school. somehow we managed to keep each other entertained enough past half a year (i think) till we exchanged phone numbers and started chatting over the phone. now, i don't quite remember this part either. shit. this isn't going as well as i've planned.
maybe i should skip to where i remember. first time i met her, in a shopping mall near her place. she looked so sweet in her floral babydoll dress. i was kinda shy so i brought some friends along. (I WAS!!! right, mike?!?! ask mike, he was there with me...) then we (we as in she, my friends and i, not me and her alone) just chilled out in the shopping mall. till about midnite!!! we almost missed our bus home (yes, this was when we didn't have our driver's license. anyways, we managed to get back...) after that, everything was a blur, we were just online friends, chatting on the phone occasionally. she was in and out of relationships, then she found God, started going to churches very often, met another boy there. hmmm...oh yea, i remember somewhere in between, we met up a few more times. once i borrowed her a modem cause her's got strucked by lightning, and she wouldn't return it. oh well...maybe it meant something then. hahaha... anyways after that, we sorta lost touch. not too sure why, maybe it was something i said or do. or maybe she just lost interested. maybe i didn't do anything about it. i dunno.
anyways, fast forward...to when i was in college. bumped into her at a shopping mall, she was in a hurry, so we just exchange hellos. then she said something about leaving to study overseas and she asked for my address so she can write me. (who does that anymore?!?! snail mail rocks)...yea...anyways, hahahaha rocks my ass...i only got her mail after god-knows-how-long...hahaha... i still have it in the box of other shite she gave me...the letters we wrote each other while she was in her boarding house, i think this was when we started getting close, thought we knew each other...anyways, our relationship happen when she came back for her holidays and i was working part time for this sound and light system company. i work odd hours but we manage to spend some time together (again, with some other friends). it's at the courting stage, where u weren't sure if the other person likes you or not. when u weren't sure if she notices the little things u do. hahaha...then we held hands, as a confirmation of our relationship.
So it begins, we became an item during the Chinese New Year period of year 2000 (we don’t really care when the exact date was, how very convenient, rite?!?!). oh what wonderful time it was for the both of us. it’s as if nothing else matters. that is, until she have to leave for her studies again. but will we let distance separate us?! HELL NO!!! we wrote each other love letters, emails, and occasionally phone calls. if people could do it in the old days with just snail mail, of course we could deal with it much better with technological advancements. and we did quite well for ourselves. 2 years passed without any major problems. yea, of course u’ll have some minor hiccups as in any relationship, but we manage to pull thru. mostly it’s about my attitude towards studying. see, i was a very good student until I got to college. The problem was me being lazy. i always wanted the easy way out. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we split up.
I shall continue this later. Am going out for dinner. Haven’t had anything to eat except for some poh piahs during lunch with my longest and best friend, HWC. He’s such a pal. Such a simple guy with simple dreams. Sometimes I envy him. But hey, that’s another story. Ciaoz…
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