karaoke...

yeah yeah... i know the backstreet boys are gay. but this song sort of sums up what i feel at the moment. maybe not the whole song, just part of it. the chorus, maybe. heck, maybe i should i rewrite the whole song. hahahaha...

Just Want You To Know - Backstreet Boys

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night
Wrapped around your finger
Always in my mind
The days they went cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go
Some days I’ll make it through, and then there’s nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again, just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I’m trying to move my head
And deep inside I wish it was me instead
My dreams are empty from the day
The day you slipped away

And I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go
Some days I’ll make it through, and then there’s nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again, just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
I know I can’t fake it, there’s no one else

I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go
Some days I’ll make it through, and then there’s nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again, just want you to know

migrane...

woke up with a splitting headache this morning. dragged myself down to the kitchen and took 2 panadols. couldn't even walk straight. manage to drag my ass back up to my room. made a quick call to the office to explain the situation and told the clerk that i'll clock in after lunch. then i switched my phone to silent mode and passed out soon after.

when i woke up again at 1, there would've been like 28 miss calls. gawdamn. this is why i don't take day offs. if i leave work for a day, i'll have to come back the next day full of 2 day's job. not a very good idea. sigh... well, at least it's keeping me occupied. clocked in at 1:38 p.m. things started to pour in. my phone never stop ringing. jobs to follow up. items to be sent out. finished products to be delivered. quotations to be typed out and faxed. clients to see. no time for my brain to register anything.

at least i got most of my things done. am back home now for a breather. a quick 2 hours rest and then i'm off to work again. sometimes the client insists on the impossible. but as an manufacturing/servising industry, we do what we can.

found an interesting site for all photoshop and anime addicts out there. some of them are erally good. some of them are freaky as hell. oi looney, maybe you could do something like that! hahahaha...

bammm...

went to get my earlobes stretched today. couldn't fit in the 14mm pyrex plugs. DAMN. was so looking forward to it. walter said i can't stretch that much at a go. so he popped in my old wooden plugs. 10mm/12mm flares. man, that guy is GOOD! and he was so gentle. didn't hurt one bit. wait till mom sees it tomorrow morning. HAHAHAHA... so i might go back there in a month to stretch it even further to 12mm/14mm flares. and a month after that, it'll be my 14mm pyrex plugs. WOOO HOOOOO... can't wait, can't wait. went to watch the myth with ann earlier. it's was so so. just another jackie chan movie. cute korean actress. nice to look at. and hot indian actress with HUGE KNOCKERS! even more nicer to look at! hahahaha... then we went to ming tien to meet her friend, may. had a few beers there. and now i'm having trouble typing. hahahaha...



spoke to her online the other day over MSN. just casual talks, nothing more. "how's work?!" "how's things?" normal stuff. and she was saying that it's going to be hectic and stuff, with her upcoming papers in october and a new posting with an insurance company. i adviced her that she should start studying now, manage her time properly. just a friendly advice, nothing more. she shrugged it off and replied "oh by the way, you're rude. you have no rights to tell me what to do with my life." i'm like "what the fuck?!?!" it's just a friendly advice. was it wrong to even give a suggestion?! i apologised. maybe she's right. i don't have any rights to say anything about her. i don't know. sigh...

at times i feel like giving up. i brought it all upon myself. she's totally given up and she won't make anymore effort. it's all up to me. but with her cold shoulders, what can i do?! should i even pursue it?! i'm at lost. but the thought of throwing it all away, those memories and shit, i can't bare it. i miss it all now. i miss the holding hands, smelling her hair, complaining about her weird habits, the soft touches, everything. even when i hated it when she pinched my blackheads, I MISS IT NOW! sigh...

curiosities from japan's adult shop

man, you really, really,really got to check this out. those japanese really can come up with all sorts of weird shit to satisfy their bizarre, perverted minds. but it's hilarious nonetheless, includes a story about a plastic can vagina. seriously, i must make Japan a must-visit-before-i-die holiday destination.

and hey, did u guys read about the dude that's paying his way through university by selling pixels on his website. aptly named www.themilliondollarhomepage.com, the one million pixels are being sold in a 10 x 10 sections for $1 per pixel. Purchasers can then use the space to display an ad or logo which is linked to their own site. and he's already sold 116,800 pixels thus far, which meant he's already made $116,800!!!

and check out some really hot girls at the most beautiful CG girls competition #2. right, they're not real. but who cares?! they're really good to look at. check out malaysia's steven stahlberg's psycho girlfriend on #5!!! there's also another malaysian, chan yin hol. his ayahi monster is at #15. MALAYSIA BOLEH!!! woot woot...

phink abourit...

"Loving and having the companionship of someone are two different things. Having the companionship of someone is hard work because it demands both persons to enter into a battle of incompatibilities. However love on the other hand is free." - Yimun

she left this on my friendster testimonial, and it's still awaiting my approval. why haven't i approved it? because i don't know what it means. and i'm still pondering over it. i keyed it into my phone and brought it out right after i saw it. met up with ann and i showed it to her. "what's she trying to say huh?!" i asked. she looked equally stumped. "wah, that girl's deep." "yep. she's grown up alrite. but do you know what it means?" "no idea." "oh well, best to hear it straight from the horse's mouth right?" so yeah, maybe i should call and ask her.

hmmm... "having the companionship of someone is hard work because it demands both persons to enter into a battle of incompatibilities." is it?! i always thought that all you need for companionships is understandings and compromise, plus a pinch of humour. guess i was wrong. but yeah, i thought it's more of a give and take situation. of course there's bound to be incompatibilities. that's the fun part where you learn about that other person, understanding why he's that different (or incompatible) and maybe try to accept him as he is! but then again, if really really really really not compatible, better to let it go, i guess. sigh... still not that sure of what she meant. better call her, better call her.

i've been worried about the idea of closing her out of my life completely, or vice versa. well, not completely, but as in stop having conversations. it's usually at times like these (when we're not together, or when we're on our short break-up periods) that we talk more openly about stuff. i guess we really have that much to hide about each other. hmmm... i miss talking to her.

spiderman, spiderman...

keong suddenly asked me today if i'm interested in getting myself a tarantula because his friend just got a couple. and after viewing a few sites on these beautiful and amazing creatures, i'm hooked. sort of. so far i've got my eyes on aphonopelma seemani, nhandu chromatus, psalmopoeus irminia and avicularia minatrix. am liasing with keong's friend, justin, to see if there's stock on these eight legged freaks. we'll see how it goes...

gawdamnit...

had brunch with ho and gig on sunday before i had to rush off to work. nothing interesting. but gig mentioned that our friend from high school days, yao chin, who's working as an auditor for one of the big fours, KPMG, is being detained in Indonesia because of some permit or visa issues. and he's been detained there for over a month! poor guy's being held in a police detention centre where they house hardcore criminals! his dad and sister is currently over there, trying to resolve the issue. poor guy. we used to play futsal together every now and then. that's until i stopped completely (due to work commitments, i don't have as much free time as i would like to have). as of now, the government is sending an envoy to negotiate the release of yao chin and his colleague on bail.

hope everything gets resolve quickly so he can come home. read more here.

a second attempt

no...i can't get it out of my head. better get it done with while it's still fresh in my head. hahahaha...

as i was saying, i finally spoke to yimun. it was a relieve, actually. because i thought that it would be weird. i actually asked her when i saw her online if it would be weird if we're still talking. maybe because i felt it was weird. she was cool all along. i'm one of those guys that think that couples will have a hard time talking to each other after they've broken up. but i guess i was wrong. it's good to hear from her voice again. made some small talks. no awkward silences like i thought it would be. then i blurted "i miss you". "what is it you missed?" she asked. what is it i missed? "i miss talking to you, calling you, miss looking forward to seeing you, miss holding you, miss your scent," i thought to myself. of course i didn't say it out loud. hahahaha... "is it the companionship?" she asked. maybe, i guess. "but this sort of companionship can be gained else where." she's right. but it's not the same. it'll never be the same. sigh...

we both agreed that we made a mistake by jumping into a relationship so soon. not that we needed a long courtship (she always argue that she was the one courting me, but that is only partly true!!!) we went straight into a long distance relationship right after we became an item. BAD MOVE! four and a half years ago, we got together. she was studying in perth at that time. but she's not away away, mind you. she was back here on holidays. and we've met each other quite often when she was here. and everything else seemed so perfect at that time. like it's meant to be. i still remember the first time we held hands like it was yesterday. hahahaha... care free and simple, nothing else mattered then. but then she has to leave for perth again and good byes were hard. oh shit, i don't think she even knows about this. at that time i was working for my dad, as a chauffeur, driving him around town and running errands. then came the day she had to leave but i couldn't send her off, so we said our goodbyes on the phone instead. man, i cried like a bitch! and when dad came back to the car, i had to coverline. hahahahaha... sigh... those were the days. when our love was true. or was it?!

see, even though we've been together for four and a half years, we've only seen each other for two years, two and a half years - MAX! being in a long distance relationship ain't easy. sure, we've got communications. but it isn't quite enough. phone calls were aplenty during the first few weeks she was gone. after awhile it became irregular after we've settled into our own lives. we chatted online quite frequently, exchanging emails every other day. we've even wrote each other love letters (snail mail) too, but i guess when the other person isn't around you, you'll always feel lonely, empty. like something's missing. nothing can beat the gentle touch of your loved one.

together we planned our future. simple life, small family, couple of kids, a dog, nice house. but i guess that's not what we wanted actually. i know for sure that's not what she wanted. it's not that we were lying from each other. but i guess at that moment when you're so into each other, so in love, you wanted nothing more than just being together with that person, no matter what. maybe it's a good thing after all now that we're apart. it'll give us a better idea of who we are, who we want to be. setting goals for ourselves, the life we want to lead. maybe it's better this way, just being friends for the time being. perhaps now, we've less things to hide from each other. maybe this is our getting-to-know-you phase. a little late, but it's worth a try. she even said that maybe after we really got to know each other better, we might not like each other very much! hahahaha...she's right, you know. you wouldn't know what might happen at the end of the day.

these few weeks have been hell for the both of us, but we agreed that we've learnt a thing or two from it. she thinks (and i agree) that she's grown more mature since we broke up. she said she's learnt how to handle things a little better, seeing things from different perspective. can't say much about myself though. i think i've got more to catch up. (goddamnit , i had a good arguement here in the earlier post but it's wiped out of my mind)

after an hour on the phone, we finally said our good nights. no more i-love-yous. guess it'll be like that from now on. i don't think we will be talking that much, cause she said she wouldn't want to lead me on. it's for the better, i guess. yeah... it's for the better. perhaps, after we've come to terms with ourselves and each other, we might learn to love each other even more. a fresh start. but of course this not going to happen anytime soon. things like that takes time. we'll just see. like what she said, LEAVE IT TO FATE.

oh, did i mentioned i called walter of borneo inks? might go around hartamas tomorrow evening to pop the new plugs in. 14mm double flare pyrex plugs! woot woot! hahahaha...but that's another story for another day...

it's for the better...

i just lost a fucking long post and can't be fucked typing it all out again. but below is a breakdown of it's content.

1) i finally called yimun. thought it would be weird, but it wasn't. just on my part i guess.

2) told her i miss her. and she shot back a question at me "what is it you missed?" companionship, seeing her, calling her, holding her, etc etc etc...

3) talked about how things are going to be. what we should do, focus on our lives and goals.

4) agreed on our mistake for starting too soon. long distance relationship ain't that great when you're just starting a relationship because :-
a) you missed out on the getting-to-know-each-other part
b) ...

man, this is stupid, how can i sum up what we talked about in an hour into point forms?! fuck it... i'm going to bed. i'll post a new entry when i have enough time to remember what i wrote earlier. DAMN...

have u wonder?

mom woke me up this morning with a shriek when she saw the new plugs seng bought for me. "haiyoooooo...i told u to take them off, u go and buy a bigger one...yada yada yada yada..." no fuck. i'm still getting it done. just need to find a proper piercer now. ann suggested walter of borneo inks. will get his number off her tomorrow. can't wait, can't wait.

on another note, met tim and gavin for coffee after work. tim came up with a funny question. you can always count on tim to come up with weird shits like that.

tim: hey, say you're in your room at night, about to sleep. then this bright light shines onto you and a voice booms "BEHOLD THERE. I AM GOD!" would you believe him? or is he the Devil? because we all know the Devil is the King of Lies. it could actually be the Devil trying to con you.

gavin: who the fuck comes up with questions like that? hahaha...

boon: *ponders for a while* hmmm... yeah, how can you tell whether it's God or the Devil?

tim: exactly! the Devil can do almost everthing God can do. what is it that differentiates them?

boon: well, there must be something the Devil can't do that God can.

tim: yeah, but what is it?

gavin: hahahahaha...

boon: well, God gives life and the Devil takes lives. that's one thing.

tim: true. you're right.

gavin: hahahaha...

tim: but what is it, at that moment in your room, that makes you say whether it's the Devil or God? you can't well expect God to give life there and then.

boon: but if it's the Devil, he can take your life. hahaha... i don't know man. there must be something.

gavin: hahahahaha...

tim & boon: oi, can you stop laughing?

after that we moved on to another subject and totally forgot about the whole God/Devil thing. but yeah, that's a whole load of other crap. hahaha...

do you believe in destiny?

we spoke again online last night. was still hesitant to message her. but she messaged me first, saying she was sorry she left suddenly earlier. she don't even know whether we chatted earlier in the day or was it last night. oh well, doesn't matter. i apologised to her again, for what i've done. she said i should stop apologising, that we should both move on. i asked her if she was still mad at me and if i was forgiven. she said 'yes, no point pondering over something for so long'. 'so that makes us...?!?!' i asked.

"SORRY"

'sorry?!'

"yeah, sorry... sorry for what you did, and sorry i did not give you a chance."

so should i still be holding on to it?! or should i let it go?! "you can't progress if you hold on. let it go. if it's fated, then it's fated," she said.

and after that, everything else seems awkward. there's nothing else for us to say. as if two strangers halt in the middle of a conversation, followed by an awkward silence.

fate. what is fate? to me, fate is when you build a bridge of 'chances' for the other person. what is fate if you do not give the other person a chance? what is fate if you closed the other person out of your so-called life path? how are you suppose to be 'fated' to be together?

what is fate?

what's going on?!

she came online a while ago. i was hesitant to message her. took me a while to say hie. not sure of her reaction, or whether she will still continue ignoring me. but then she replied. i apolosised again, still feeling the guilt of what i've done. she asked me to stop apologising, that she wants to put the past behind her. what does that mean?! put what past?! which past?! the one full of happiness and wonderful memories?! or the one where i fucked it all up?!

i said fine and we continued talking casually. it's weird, u know. now she calls me by my name. no more 'bee'. this is something i've got to get used to. so we talked about work. i think i did more of the talking. and she just typed in a few short remarks. then she left. just like that. no goodbyes. no nothing.

has she moved on?! or am i still holding on to something that's already dead?!

maybe it's too soon to tell...

a gift from down under...

finally got my new 12mm pyrex plugs from seng. god, that thing is huge. there's no way i'm slipping it into my hole. think i gotta go see a piercer to get my holes stretch. it's 4mm bigger than my current one. shit. i seem to be buying things that do not fit recently. a couple of months ago i bought 2 shirts that i thought fitted but had to give it away because when i put it on when i was going to work, it wouldn't fit. muthafucka! now where can i find a piercer that does stretching as well?! man, i remembered when mustafa stretched my hole up 4mm at once, it hurt like a bitch. (okay, all this sounds too much like i'm a fucking fag favouring s&m) or maybe i should get myself a taper and stretch it myself.

no wait...i just measured the damn thing. IT'S FUCKING 14mm!!! god damn. how am i ever gonna pop it in?! i'm most definately going to stretch it step by step now. or maybe it's better to move up straight. gawdamnit. going to start looking for a piercer soon. ho ho ho...

and lately i've been looking into getting myself inked. i've always wanted one. ideas come and go tho. fickle-minded! hahaha... too many different ideas, too many different body parts, so little money. did i mention the 2 things that's stopping me from getting ink is 1) money and 2) the fact that my dad will disown me. hahahaha... maybe if i do it on my buttcheeks...hmmm...hahahaha... and when i mentioned the idea to melwin, he was saying if it's to ease the pressure and stuff, then by all means, go ahead. hahaha what supportive friends i have.

shit, the thought of stretching my lobes further is too tempting. any idea who i should go to?! i only know of the borneo brothers. wonder how much they charge. i wonder if healing is faster here in our hot and humid weather. hmmm... no fuck care, i'm going to do it i'm going to do it i'm going to do it... wooot woooot...

hmmmm maybe i should go out. go catch a movie or something. it's been a while since i last saw a movie by myself. but i doubt there'll be any tickets during the weekends. hmmm...there's no one to call, no one to hang out with, nothing much to do. i hate weekends. and i shocked myself for waking up at 9am, on the dot!!! arghhhhh i should hit the mall. see ya.

slow sunday...

another slow weekend. did nothing much except work. yes, i work on weekends. not every weekends but most, when there's a need to. yesterday mark the official launch of one of my client's project. so there are bound to have some last minute shit to cover. did i mention i screwed up one of the jobs. locked in an order of different amount. i was waaaaay out of target. 499,500 out of target to be exact. sigh... RM20k down the drain. i really got to be more focused and tedious when handling such a big job. REMINDER TO SELF: ALWAYS TRIPLE CHECK! damn.

besides work, everything else is slow. still haven't manage to round up enough balls to call her. she'll most probably reject my calls. should i just call anyways? friends' been very supportive. especially ho. he's like a hero to me. that guy's been through shit much more complicated and worse than me. really look up to that dude. was just having brunch an hour ago. the one and only childhood friend that i really hold close to my heart (alrite, sounding gay). i should heed his advice and start concentrating on other things better than wallowing in my guilt. i still have my work, my family, my friends. but she's been a big part of my life (or maybe not). but she's been through thick and thin with me. she's put up with most of my shits, which she might think it's nothing. sigh...

"what's done is done", says ho. "pick yourself up, move on. she might already have moved on". he might be right. so i think i should just lay it to rest from now. concentrate on more important stuff, like work. i really should set myself some goals in life. the thing is i never had a proper one, a fixed one. fickle-minded?! or i want too many things at once, i don't know for sure what should it be. but i think now 'work' and 'family business' should be playing in my mind 24/7. the elders don't have too long till they retire, so i guess i have only that much time to learn the trades of our business. it's not i'm not enjoying work. it's not i'm not liking what i do. but i just don't strive to do more. ho says i need more motivation, a goal i set for myself to see to. i need a life coach!!!

. . .

i've been thinking. is cheating sexually any more worse than cheating emotionally?! or vice versa. cheating sexually as in sleeping around/going to hookers/no strings attached and cheating emotionally as in having an affair/practising polygamy/emotions involved. is there a different level of seriousness in these 2 different kind of cheating. or is cheating cheating, period?!

what were you thinking?

i've commited the worst crime u can ever commit in a relationship. INFIDELITY. now, why am i advertising my shameful act?! mainly because of my guilt. that's probably why i told her in the first place. but i promise i will not go down that same path again. god, how could i?! hurting someone you love so much...how could anyone possibly do that?! how could it possibly got into my head?!?! tim said it must be the drugs. u see, we were actually under the influence. ON A FUCKING THURSDAY EVENING!!! it has been a damn fucking stressful day for all of us. so after clocking out at 7pm, we thought we might as well pop an erimn, just to wind down. BAD CALL, BOON!!! COULDN'T YOU HAVE WAITED TILL THE WEEKEND?!?! IT'S FUCKING THURSDAY!!! FRIDAY IS JUST 5 HOURS AWAY!!! perhaps i should lay off those stuff for a while. sheeshhhhh...

The End

It’s finally over. After a month of confusion plus six days of silence, I finally found out. It’s over. She’s hated me since the incident. The part I left out because I was too ashamed to tell. The part all guys will lie about it. I almost did too. Until she asked if there was anything else I was hiding from her when we were going through rough waters. And so I told her. The truth. The very truth that killed our relationship. Actually, it wasn’t the truth that killed our relationship. It was my EGO. My pride (I think, or at least I think it is right now). What I like to be looked upon by my friends. How cool I am. How happening. How foolish. How stupid. How pitiful.

All this while, I’m preaching about how loyal and faithful I am, but in the end, when it all comes down to ‘saving face’, I’ll throw my principles away. That’s how low I’ll stoop. I’m a fucking low life maggot.

I’m still in shock. Stunned by what happened. I do not know what to feel, how to feel. I should be sad, but I don’t feel sad (maybe because I know that I’m at fault here). I suppose I should be angry at myself, but I do not feel any of it. Numb. Just like when she first asked for a breakup about a month ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve already half expected it. That something like that (what I did) won’t be forgiven or forgotten so easily. It’s not something I would’ve forgive and forget either. So I guess I’ve only myself to blame. For not being strong-willed enough to say no. For not being strong enough for the both of us.

She’s questioned me before. “Why did you do it?” I didn’t have a straight answer then. “Because my friends said to…” “Oh?! So you didn’t have an opinion or choice then?!” “I did…” “Then why didn’t you backed out?!” “I don’t know…” “And you told me you couldn’t do it…Why did you stay till the end?!” “I don’t know…” “What did you know?!” “I know I made a mistake…I’m sorry, Chong Yi Mun…”

or is it?!?!

i'm starting to think this is more than just her normal PMS. saw her online this afternoon. had a brief conversation about the annual dinner she attended last night. it ended rather abruptly too.

called her around 1:30am after i came back from mamak with the guys. she said she was at the cyber cafe, playing game. 3 seconds, no longer, our phone call. smsed her at 3am to see if she's still out. 'on the way home' was her reply. 'call me when u get back?!' i texted.

"NOT TODAY"

that's new. i call her straight after. 'what's going on?!" i asked. 'nothing', she said, 'i just don't feel like talking'. 'don't feel like talking, and seeing me?!' 'yeah...'

i feel like i'm hanging on a hangman's noose. and she's a stone's throw away. i could barely see what she's doing. and she isn't really bothered by the fact that i'm there, hanging. slowly dying or waiting for renewal hope. what am i to do?

ahhh...no wonder...now i know...

finickyfeline explains it...

three little alphabets...

BIG MEANINGS!

so i shall steer clear for a while...

anyways, quiet weekend. staying in because i've got an appointment in the morning with a client. a 9 o'clock meeting on a Saturday morning! who has meetings so early on a weekend?! usually i wake up by 10am on a Saturday. have my bak kut teh. get into the office by 11-ish. shite...can't exactly say no to the client. and i've got a some paperwork to finish up tomorrow as well.

quiet weekend it is...